Lean Into Loneliness This Holiday Season

It’s a natural instinct to recoil from things that make us feel bad, but this can hinder much-needed healing. It’s time to learn to lean into loneliness.

Loneliness: it’s among the biggest contributors to the onset of disability, dementia, and depression. It often rides in on the heels of grief, hopelessness, and social isolation.

According to the Center for Disease Control, loneliness has become a major factor in the rise of suicide rates over the last decade among Americans—overwhelmingly men—aged 35 to 54. Studies also show us that loneliness is the result of broken social ties that once bound us together in institutions like marriage, religion, and work. And as cultural traditions shift away from community and engagement faster than we can respond to the rapid changes they create in the way we live, we can expect to see these trends continue. Even so, despite how dire these statistics may seem, there’s much we can do to help ourselves understand and address loneliness.

We can begin with the basics: acknowledging that we are lonely and it’s complicated.

That’s not to say that everyone, everywhere, right now is despairing. Rather, it’s about calling our attention to the fact that we’ve at least been there and know what it is to experience the hollow ache of being lonesome. And to dispel a couple of widely held beliefs that loneliness is synonymous with being alone or elderly, it’s not. Loneliness can abide as easily in a young heart and in solitude as it can a crowded room, within a big family, a circle of friends, or inside a long-term partnership. In fact, the experience of loneliness can sometimes feel more intense in a group than in isolation.

Whether you’re introverted and relish your alone time, or if you’re the life of the party and repeatedly seek connection in the company of others, it’s important to remember what you resist persists. Where loneliness is concerned, our resistance to touching it can cause us to respond in ways that sabotage our growth and overall health. Famed analyst and father of depth psychology, Carl Jung, coined the phrase and devoted his life’s work to exploring what drove so much of our unexplained behavior.

On the face of it, loneliness is most often associated with negative feeling qualities like fearrejection, detachment, hopelessness, and grief—all of which are emotions we’re more inclined to run from and ignore rather than sit with and befriend. So, how can we learn to embrace loneliness instead of pushing it away?

It’s complicated.

Leaning into loneliness is a process of discovery that requires us to be gentle with ourselves as we go. It’s a journey that’s as individual as our experience, so there’s no one way to do it. It takes practice and the good news is there are lots of ways to lean in when we choose to.

Acknowledge.

You can’t address an issue unless you know there’s one to be dealt with. It’s important to understand that loneliness has many faces and likes to hide in the shadows where we’re not looking for it. We’d do well to work with challenging emotions like loneliness by simply bringing our attention to our feelings without attaching language, judgment, or explanation to them. Just like a picture is worth a thousand words, learning to acknowledge our feelings rather than ignoring them as they arise is priceless.

Reframe.

As a writer and healing arts practitioner, the central focus of my work lies in helping people delve into their stories with an eye toward unleashing power from narratives that no longer serve their lives in productive ways. This process of reframing—or reclaiming—isn’t about denying the truth of what happened in the past; it’s more about allowing room for other truths to surface.

If loneliness was handed to you in a story from your past, look for ways to shed new light on that old script. For example, Ken’s parents told him that he’d always be lonely if he pursued his lifelong dream of helping others by becoming a nurse. "No good woman will want you," they said. "Why wouldn’t you be a doctor?"

After experimenting in different career fields for much of his adult life, Ken returned, well into his forties, to his chosen line of work. Despite being dogged by the echoes of his parents’ doubt, he reframed their negativity by neutralizing it with compassion for his parents’ limited ability to express their true belief in the skill and brilliance Ken had always brought to everything he did. Through his repeated practice of reframing the message with forgiveness and compassion, he was able to emerge from the old story of loneliness and experience the surprise of new friendships and rekindled passion.

Investigate.

Because we’re human, there’s no end to the complexity of our feelings. Loneliness can be as fleeting as a cloud patch on an overcast day and as intense as a tsunami. What’s important to remember, though, is that both are fleeting and bound to move on in time. But in those moments when we’re being visited by loneliness, we have a unique opportunity to venture into the gift of what’s stirring beneath the surface.

The next time you feel waves of loneliness rolling in, instead of responding in failure, defeat, or anything less than genuine curiosity about your experience, take a moment to feel yourself grounded and safe enough to withstand the fleeting emotion. No matter how scary it might seem. As it approaches, ask it what message it’s bringing to you. As implausible as it may sound, sometimes the willingness to dialogue with our emotions helps create an opening into a deeper understanding of what life is trying to teach us.

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About the Author

Kriste Peoples is a regular contributor with MeetMindful. She is a healing arts practitioner and writer who shares her take on the intuitive seeker's life at her website, Honey Help YourSelf. She thrives in Colorado.
Photo: iStock


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