Ergonomic sex furniture, like The Tantra Chair, can revolutionize our sex lives by taking strain off our bodies and allowing for greater mobility during lovemaking. Finding comfortable positions and hitting the right spots is all part of the tantric journey, but as the great Yogi Berra reportedly once said, “Sex is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.”
In my experience, tantric sexuality—like a lot of spirituality more generally—hinges on non-attachment. If we want to make love for hours on end, we’ve got to let go of ephemeral goal-orientation (or learn to redirect it). This is easier said than done: We’re up against millions of years of biological evolution and, most likely, a deep-rooted desire to make our partner come like crazy so they’ll never leave us. Alas, we’ve got to drop it all and boldly go where few brave souls have gone before.
Rather than seeking out peak ecstasy, we want to set our sights on the plateau experience, just as Maslow did toward the latter part of his career (if you’re unfamiliar with Maslow, check him out!). The freedom we’re after lives in that magical place called the zone or, as they say in jazz, the pocket. The pocket is a flow state; a state of total immersion in what we’re doing—so much so that it often feels effortless.
We experience these sorts of states all the time to more or less of a degree, including while we’re washing dishes, working out, driving, and ideally, during sex. When we’re in the pocket, the different parts of our brain and nervous system are in sync, our emotional boundaries are at their thinnest, and the conditions are ripe for transcendence. To master limitless lovemaking, we’ve got to master the flow, or what we might call “the vinyasa of sex.”
Getting in the pocket during intercourse is a lot like flying a plane—first we take off, we cruise at altitude, and then we try to stick the landing. By far the most difficult part of the journey is the ascent. Like the wax-winged Icarus, if we fly too close to the sun we’re doomed to melt into a puddle. Both partners must learn to be exceptionally sensitive to one another so as to preserve orgasmic potential. If a male partner is co-piloting the flight, regardless of whether it’s heterosexual, homosexual or everything in between, this means retaining the male ejaculate. No erection, no sex!
Excitation is at its highest right from the start, so take it slllloooowwwww—both physically and emotionally, and especially if the male partner has gone more than a few days without discharging. Remember that an outpouring of love can make a guy pop just as readily as some heavy thrusting, so we shouldn’t hesitate to take a break and cool our jets. I find that taking my hands off of my partner’s body can help reduce the explosive electrical charge between our thighs, as can grounding my feet on the floor (another perk of The Tantra Chair) and bringing attention to our heads and mouths via kissing.
Assuming we’ve made it this far—which, like an airplane, may take about fifteen minutes (not including foreplay)—we’re likely to have settled into a nice groove, though no need to stop and think about it... Just feel it. This is the best part of the flight, where we deepen our connection with our lover and explore our threshold for pleasure. Also, this is usually the time when one or both partners—who have learned to modulate their excitation aided, in part, by their significant other’s openness and lubrication—try to make the other have an earth-shattering orgasm. This is big red flag (no pun intended, I swear), as it’s in neither partner’s best interest to make the other do anything. We find our groove and let them find theirs, holding space for our lover and resonating with them while they unfurl into bliss.
Whether male or female, notice when the desire to make them come arises and let it pass right through, bringing our mind back to our breath and our own pleasure threshold, which should hover around seventy-five percent of max-intensity. Keep in mind that a female orgasm can be equally exhaustive as a male’s (so all of this applies to lesbian sex as well), but the flow knows no end. This can be a quick, commuter flight or a transcontinental marathon with several amorous stopovers—the choice is yours.
Finally comes the landing, which may be as challenging as the ascent for any number of reasons. Like the blackjack table, the real key to success is knowing when to cash out—not to come, but to stop and do something else. If we can manage our orgasmic desire, our emotional lovemaking can continue indefinitely while our bodies rest and recharge. The need for closure in a sexual encounter is a conditioned idea, so when one partner can no longer maintain the desired pleasure ceiling—which can be challenging after hours at the edge, and particularly for men in more dominant positions (i.e., basically anything where the guy is exerting force, which raises the intensity)—best to quit while we’re ahead.
Go hydrate, stretch, eat a snack, take a walk, cuddle, meditate together and, depending on how we feel, ice down our genitals. Ejaculating (or, vice versa, loss of arousal) is certainly not a crash landing nor is it cause for lament, but the smoothest descents aren’t really landings at all. Rather, we learn to stay in the pocket and ride the wave permanently, empathizing ever more deeply with our partner and embodying the inimitable orgasm on life that is the mark of genuine freedom and the tantric path.